Sunday, 21 October 2012
Thinking aloud...: He and Me !! :)
Thinking aloud...: He and Me !! :): Me…Shruti… ok looking, more than average in height, hopefully average in brains too, ahem…good in academics, being born to Doctor parents, ...
He and Me !! :)
Me…Shruti…
ok looking, more than average in height, hopefully average in brains too, ahem…good in academics, being born to Doctor parents, luckily brought up in a place in which affluence was default, my Bhilai Steel Plant !! people were and are well educated, well mannered, disciplined, courteous, etc etc and from all parts of the globe interconnected by the Steel Plant. No wonder I too was addicted to my Bhilai.
I started my medical graduation from Pt J N M Medical College Raipur, my only dream since I was a small girl, and which became an obsession after Bhaiya took admission there, and would relate stories from there ever so often.
Being from a no nonsense but loving and close-knit family, all my concentration was adapting to the world that was outside of my family of five, and searching for moments, minutes, hours that I could snatch from my routine to rush back to Bhilai. never had to stress to study, having had a greater and more serious problem of home sickness :)))….always envied the day-scholars and always felt proud when friends chided us with, “ye toh Bhilaians hai, ye toh bas jab dekho ghar bhaagte hain !!” I used to smile with pride at that !! :))))
Saturday evenings, running betahaasha on the platform to catch the crowdy smelly Local train, but the happiest when managed to get into it….we girls chatting, laughing, gossiping our way back to Bhilai…..pouncing on anything eatable in sight on the dining table, greeted by smiling mamma and papa……sitting on floor besides mum with a Parachute Coconut Oil Bottle and chatting with her non stop while she softly applied oil on the head, relieving all the Headache stat.
Bright and beautiful Sunday mornings, with the Samosa Jalebi from Utkal Sweet Home, that later became Utkal Mishthan Bhandar as a ritual since ages.
Monday early, very Early Mornings were the Worst when we returned to Raipur with a heavy heart, many a time getting late and crossing the Goods-train from below….how daring could we be……..
Well, thus MBBS flew past fast and I actually became what I aspired to be all my life…a Doctor !! my White Coat, My Stethoscope…..officially entitled to use them. I remember vividly…the last day of MBBS Final, I rushed to the STD PCO…[life was without cell fones back then :) ]…I was dressed in a designer and ‘costly’ suit, had made French plaits of my hair….Danglers in my ear-lobes….my smile, the fullest and liveliest…wore high, no very high heels, reducing my pace to tiny baby steps yet happy with it, bouncing away…
I called Papa in his Hospital…..his voice answered from the other end,
“hello, Gudmorning, Dr Mishra here…”….
I said, hardly able to suppress a chuckle,
“Ham bhi Dr Mishra bol rahe hain !!!” :)……….
And then…we both laughed in delight for quite sometime…….he remembers that conversation fondly ever so often….:)
Khair, thus started my Internship….monthly and fortnightly slots in various departments as a Doctor, and basked on the feeling of Practically learning from ABC what being a medical professional was all about….
Every department had a hierarchy from Professors and HOD to Asst Professors, to Lecturers to three steps of Residents, doing PGs, viz the Senior Resident, Junior Resident and the Poor Poor House-man, having just joined and working more than the Physical and Mental extremes of his/her capacity….
I remind the reader, how all the previous years in college had gone being juggled between Frnds, Studies and Learning to Live outside the secure world of Bhilai…..
Here the atmosphere was relaxed only for the Clan of Interns who were actually on their own and free to learn as much as they could, plus with the Pre PG exams on head, no one wanted to trouble them too much.….
We were three close very close inseparable friends, their names starting from ‘P’, ‘R’ and Mine ‘S’and batchwise, we had postings in different departments. P had her posting in Surgery in May, R in Gynaec, and me in Paeds…..every day, we used to meet up after the first half and relate the goings on of our depts with each other.
During internship, we had the most interaction with the residents of the depts, more so with the House-officers, who were allowed to delegate some of their astronomical work load to the Interns.
So every other day, we used to visit each other’s depts too. In our conversations, we used to discuss the professors and residents too, helping to prepare the others for their subsequent postings in these depts. Generally the house-men used to be seen running about, involved in all kinds of chores.
There were a couple of medical shops near the med college, with std-pcos and thus were the frequent haunts for the medical students. One fine morning, we girls were sitting there waiting for our turn at the phone, when we saw one of the Surgery house men come for Paracetamol tab. P later told us, [she was posted in Surg then] that his name was Shravan, and he was doing continuous duties despite running high grade fever. And this morning too, we realized, he had come there only to get that Paracetamol to help him continue his duties.
While he was returning to the college, I saw something which instantly caught my attention and set him apart for me. The scooter that he kicked start and zoomed away on, was an old, very old model of Vespa, and the back seat which was actually detached from the body of the scooter, was tied by a plastic IV fluid tubing, securing it to the scooter !! :)
He went away, but I sat pondering…..i was told previously that his father was a Surgeon at some place near Bhopal. Well well, what I was seeing was a complete contrast to what I had heard. A boy these days even before entering his teens is hell bent on procuring a bike, what to say about a boy, who is doing PG…..most boys would never agree to be seen in an old tattered scooter. But this one person didn’t mind that at all !!
Another thought brought a smile on my face…..the back seat unrepaired and secured by a plastic tubing ?!!....of course he doesn’t seem to be having a steady girlfriend either !!...ahem :)))))
Time passed, internship continued….this incident too blurred a bit. After 2 months R got posted there, so our visits to surg dept continued. Only, now I did seem to take notice of this boy’s doings….nothing more though, because of many reasons…
-my strict family
-it was predecided that I would not be married out of caste
-my Bro and Papa were the Best made Men by God, others were all lesser mortals !!:))) and they were also the final authority for any thing regarding my marriage.
-I had decided not to marry out of Bhilai-Raipur…staying away was un-fathomable…
- He used to smoke, and that according to me was an outright No in my Mr Right more so Me being an asthmatic.
[ when asked why he smoked, he had answered that when I meet the girl who asks me to quit, I will…. Fine sir, good pretext !! :)))]
Hence thinking about anyone in any way wasn’t thinkable, and Shravan was no exception.
After R’s posting of two months, started my posting in his dept, and to my surprise, in his Unit too. We were asked to do whatever work was entrusted to us by our house men, which here was Shravan and his colleague. I was at ease from day one because in the last four months, I had been getting a gud rapport of him from my friends that he was a well mannered workaholic easy to get along with.
As days went by, I started liking him more each day for his sincerity and honesty as well though we girls used to have fun counting the number of girls around who were ‘after’ him, and to state the truth we did calculate Fifteen to our knowledge who were supposed to be eyeing him !! :)))….
This was all the more reason to take him as a good person and some what a friend in those days, Friend I say for the simple reason that I used to feel very comfortable interacting with him and being in his presence livened up the moods of all. He was so to say the only Male, that I interacted with so much who was Not Family…..strange but true, the college years had passed without any consequence. My not participating in the Celebs, picnics etc was one more reason for this.
As the first month neared its end I can say I had made a good friend in him, and even started telling him about-The fifteen. We enjoyed teasing him so much, more so because the moment you named a girl, he would blush, yet outwardly show all the macho no nonsense attitude, and we girls had our share of the fun.
Days passed…..and it was about a week left for my surgery posting to end. It was a common practice for the senior residents to take their junior residents and interns for coffee or snacks in the Indian Coffee House of our Hosp. I never had been alone with him till now, always with his or my colleagues, but it was on the 24th of October, as luck would have it, R and P both were absent. Our work was nearly done for the day, I was ready to leave, when he casually said, ‘I feel like having a cup of coffee’…..before I could even think, chatter box that I am, words came out spontaneously…. ‘ok lets go to the ICH’. i had expected an instant ‘lets go’ but contrary to that, he said with a grave expression…. ‘I am not in a mood to have coffee in the ICH !! Even then I didn’t suspect anything, I said ‘ok, then where do you want?’ I said on the way out…
To this he stopped short, as if confirming in is mind his words before letting them out,
‘somewhere outside the hospital, maybe Vega ?!!’[it was a restaurant near abouts]…………..
Uh oh !! What was this ?! I heard the danger bells ringing in my head, but in face of the last few months, I convinced myself it was a casual statement. My head was working fast, I didn’t want to give awkward expressions, lest he thinks I am being suspicious, I respected him too much to let that happen. Yet I was scared both my friends being absent, for the simple reason that I hadn’t gone out anywhere with anyone before, and calling it a some kind of Date seemed rude to me. Besides, though it may have been unthinkable for me, it was a common practice among colleagues, so maybe he was talking very very casually.
Anyways whatever the consequences, I didn’t want to say No, now, so I said,
‘alright, you reach there, I’ll join you’. We agreed upon that and dispersed.
It was 2.30 pm, hardly time suitable for coffee !! :))) he had asked me to be there by 3 pm. I reached my hostel room, and summoned all my mental forces to analyse the situation. How I missed R then. Well after a deep breath I got up, washed my face and in the same office attire that I was in, hanging the same big bag on my shoulders, I started towards Vega, which was very near the College. I was in my Luna super. When I reached there and locked it, I felt for a moment to restart it and run away, but was too proud and stubborn to do so, hence again took a deep breath and started inside.
I entered the restaurant from the Other door, not the proper Entrance, because it was nearer the stand. I saw him sitting with his back to me, a half filled glass of cold-drink on the table and an ash-tray with a few stubs in it, one between his fingers, that he was smoking.
As if I hadn’t seen this, I crossed him, went on to sit in front, he stood up in chivalry till I sat down. I felt superbly uncomfortable and to ease the atmosphere, started blabbering all kinds of non sense, simply to make some conversation and diminish the awkwardness therein. The only fact rampant was that things wont be the same any longer for me.
He was quieter, and after a few minutes, suddenly threw this question at me,
“Do you know why I asked you here ?!”
Oh-my-God !! no, I didn’t want to answer this, nor did I want to hear what the answer was. No, I couldn’t take any more…..
I just gave a questioning look bravely hoping not to give away how weak and vulnerable I was feeling on the inside….
He went on……
“I brought you here to Propose to You !!!!!!!!!”
I remember clearly the look on his face then.
The only words that came out as a reflex response or defence maybe, were, ‘what kind of non sense is this?’
…….and then I was…..mum…..
Cant express in words what I was feeling then, Shock, denial, fear, dread all together…..i was numb !! here was the person I had got to like so much, sitting in front of me, giving Me the honour of asking to share his life with, and here I was with a very strange kind of feeling gripping my very being…….
My tiny little Heart which had lain in a corner, unattended to till then, had opened its big bright eyes to this Welcome Warmth, alien to it……and started Beating…..Beating Hard and Loud, I feared He might even hear the thumping !! :)))…..it wanted to shout, scream….it wanted to dance and say Yes, I want to be Yours……
I strangulated it stat and To save myself from further damage, I speedily explained that what he was asking, was Totally, Utterly, Completely Impossible !!....for all the reasons that I had.
….the Heart was slain by the Head !!
………and then I shut up….
Our roles suddenly got reversed….he started talking…talking non stop…..i sat there with sealed lips….looking down at the table, crushing the Paneer Pakodas kept in the plate with a fork….not able to think…..Brain-Block !!
He said ‘Never mind Shruti, I Love you, that’s not my fault…and if You cannot love me, that’s not your fault either…
if you can consider spending your life with me, then let the story begin with a Cold Coffee…[I had told him once that I luved cold-coffee]
If not, still lets have a cup of Hot coffee !!…..’
He went on to explain very seriously with plain words, how he saw me at the med store and after our hellos, had asked as to who I was…..and gradually started liking me, and liking me more and more, so as to decide that I was the One for him…..in fact for my two months posting the senior resident had deliberately placed me in his unit [so it wasn’t a co incidence after all :) ]…..how he searched for chances to talk to me, meet me….later the Matron even told me that the day I hadn’t gone, he was moving about his work sadly asking her again and again whether I had turned up……how before coming here, he had told his friends that he was about to propose to me today, and they had warned him, that “her father is a Boxer and she is Rohit sir’s sister’….but he hadn’t paid any heed to that ….and then he threw the Brahmastra too….asked the waiter purposely to get a packet of Marlboro cigarettes….. making me feel worse….
Meanwhile, all the pakodas were in shreds, and he pushed the remaining plate towards me saying, ‘inko bhi nipta do [crush these too]…’ :)))
This made me smile and relax a bit, and I looked up, realizing the pain in my wrist and neck due to staying in one position for so long resting my head in my hand…
When i came, I had seen a part of an Airlines Envelope jutting out of his shirt pocket, and had casually asked what that was, when I had just sat, to which he hadn’t given any answer then.
Now he took out that envelope….saying,
‘you were asking about this ?!...here it is, I had written this for you…..
It was a small sweet poem, addressed to me…………………
[ I still have it with me :) ]
after I read it, he took it away and replaced it in his pocket….
I nearly died…..
He ordered two Hot Coffees, before we dispersed….. !! :(((
I speeded towards the hostel, and closed myself in my empty room……I Cried…..I Cried Big Time……
What if I had listened to my heart and said Yes ?....would I become a Bad Girl then ?
Why was I feeling guilty, as if I had committed a crime ?....
and that feeling was both ways,
For one, I felt I was betraying Papa and Bhaiya......
On the other, I felt I had wronged Shravan without any fault of his…..
Ohh…I thought my head would burst…..
I calmed down after a while. Having said No, had done at least my consciousness some good, and I promised myself I’d survive. At least I could face Papa with my head held high.
The next day going towards the hospital and the dept was seemingly the most difficult task. I walked very very slowly…reached there, tried to do my work away from wherever shravan could be found and ran away very early…towards medicine dept, where I expected to find R so that I could vent my thoughts.
As I was walking in the long corridor, I heard my name called from behind, clear….loud….correct pronunciation….Masculine voice...above the usual din of people…. “Shruti !!!”…
I turned……my heart gave an enormous leap…..it was him, standing at the far end of the corridor….i waited for any signs….but he just stood there looking straight at me…..i inferred I had no choice than to go to him…..
when I was a few steps short, he started speaking and walking simultaneously…
‘have you done the Burn Dressing of Bed no-xyz ?!’he asked...
….as I moved my head in negative, he said, ‘go and do it’….and moved away in some other direction.
I started towards the ward with a sigh of relief that he wouldn’t be there, while I am at it……I decided to get it over with and go away asap. That dressing used to take not less than 45 min. and to my chagrin, I saw him entering the ward when I was just few min through…..he sat at the table completing some paper work as I clumsily went on with my work.
I was a bit disappointed too…he seemed to be as normal as can be, and here I was feeling miserable as ever….but I got to know all this was a pretence….i heard the Head sister muttering, ‘whatever has happened to him today ?! he is mixing things up. .e.g. instead of Radha Bai, he had written Sadha bai in the sheet of the pt….after dressings, he left the Tap of the dressing room full on, wasn’t answering properly…..etc etc… :)
Well I did my work and ran away as fast as I could. Being in the same ward with him moving around, was too much for me to handle….how would the whole week pass, I hadn’t any idea….
That day I ran back to Bhilai, next day was Saturday, so I would go to the dept on Monday…that’ll take care of two more days….any how, seeing him functioning normally had lessened my guilt towards him a lot, now it was only me myself to tackle and I’d do that…..
Both the days were hell….being in Bhilai and at home too didn’t help…..and as I had already said No, I didn’t feel it relevant to trouble Mamma with my story….but keeping such huge emotional upheaval to myself was becoming nearly impossible. Previously I ahd thought I’d not go to Raipur this whole week but I didn’t want to take any favors for my attendance. Moreover, I was afraid I’d not be able to conceal everything and give myself away had I stayed at home longer. So with a heavy heart full of dread I returned back to Raipur by the Mon morning Local…
That day luckily my batchmates along with R came to the ward, sat and chatted till I finished my work and then we all went back together….so another day taken care of….siigh, still so many more to go…
what a misery…
my Head wanted the week to fly past in a second,
while my Heart felt sadder with each passing day at the thought of no further association ever….
On Wednesday, we had few girls of my batch there and he was about to teach them how to tap blood from the femoral vein….as I joined, he casually asked me too, ‘did u learn Femoral Tap ?!’
…again I turned my neck in negative. He asked me to join and taught us the process.
Later I went on with my usual assigned work.
He came towards me when I was nearly done….stood there till I finished.
Then said ‘so, did u learn Femoral Tap today ?!’ as an obvious answer I said 'Yes', not looking at him…..he said, ‘then this calls for a Treat, isn’t it ?!’
[it was a culture in Med Coll whenver a junior accomplished some feat, he’d treat the colleagues, though again the bills would be paid by the Seniors only. ]
I smiled…we went to the ICH and had coffee….just then a Medical Rep came to detail his products there….they both talked like friends and he left a packet of cards on the ICH table….saying they were Seasons Greetings Cards that we could use….
as he went away, Shravan caught hold of a Card, opened it….wrote at the top left corner-“Dear Shravan,”…….and then wrote, “Yours,” at the right lower corner….then placed both the card and Pen towards me….
said, “Sign it !!!!”……….
…. It would become,
Dear Shravan,
………..Yours,
……………..Shruti !!! :)
I smiled again at his innocent smartness…..
I took it, wrote between the two words, “you haven’t lost a friend’ !! :)
Thus it became….….
Dear Shravan,
You haven’t lost a Friend !!
Yours
Shruti….. :)
He smiled back and kept that one in his pocket…..we said our gud byes
The next day was 31st , The Last Day in Surgery !!!!!!!......
It would otherwise be easier to pass that being the OT day for the Unit, but I was supposed to take signatures on the attendance diary from the House…. it was late when I finally got him….he signed it and I turned to leave after a brief thanx….
he said, ‘I had got a Card for you…..its of no use to me now.’
I said, ‘That’s mine and I think I should have it.’
He said, ‘It isn’t with me at the moment…of course, I do not roam about with it in my pocket.’
I smiled, ‘When can I collect it ?!’
Again it came, ‘Not here…’
Ok. Alright, I get the idea….
i said ‘Then how?!’
He said ‘ lets go for a Movie, I’ll give it there !!!’
Oh dear, why does he have to make things more and more difficult, how could this be possible ever…how could I even think of going to the movies alone with him….i stood there, looking down….i knew he understood this…..
so, after a while, when I didn’t respond, he said
‘ok never mind, I’ll bring it and give it to you when I have’
But by then I had made my decision, I said, ‘ok, where should I come ?!’
He said, ‘No…I’ll come to pick you up….you be ready….’
I was shocked at his Confidence…he was dead serious and authoritative.
This was just impossible…I could not be seen in the roads of Raipur, which was full of acquaintances, friends and it was very unlikely that Bhaiya wouldn’t know of this, and….to top it all, he too knew this fact…..
I had to decide fast…..and I did. Whatever happens, I would do this…...after all this was the last day that I was actually talking to him…from then on, I’d Never Ever have anything to do with him. Moreover these past few days were hell anyways.
So ‘I said, ok, I’ll wait…..’
In the room, I stood in front of Bhagwanji and Prayed…..
“Please God, Help me….take over from here for today…make the right things happen…make my decisions for me…. !!”
Just then I heard a call from the Bai below, that I had a fone call….i rushed down to receive the call. It was him….
there was a ruffling sound….
he said ‘Can you hear this ?’
I said, ‘Whats that?’
He said, I have today’s news paper in my hand and am looking over the movies screened today….
i said whatever you decide will be ok with me….
he told me the only See-able movie around was Vijeta being screened at a theatre in the main Market of Raipur. I said ok….he hung the fone saying,
‘I’ll be there in 10 min !!’
10 min??.....the show would start at 3 and it was only around 1.30 ?? I guessed he might not have seen the watch correctly….alright…it happens.
But true to his word he actually was at the Hostel gates in less than 10 min…..
i was called….
It was a walk of some metres before we could come out of the campus, and I saw him. I walked awkwardly towards him fearing every moment I would faint and fall, but finally reached there.
It was the self same scooter, his tattered Vespa !!
I couldn’t help but smile, when I saw the back seat nicely secured to the scooter….
He started it and I sat…..oh no….i never felt this nervous ever. I tried to hold tightly the driver’s seat….couldn’t risk trusting the back seat you see :))))…..and he vroomed…..
I thought the whole world was staring at me, and everyone that we crossed I pictured him running to Bhaiya to complain….
Near the main market, it broke down !! :)))….i got down, he tilted it, checked the spark plug, and restarted…it took a lot many kicks to restart…..i was all sympathies :)
….i smiled again as I remembered Archie and his Car !! :)
…..alright, it was too early, so missing the movie wasn’t a problem at all. Thankfully it started and we resumed our “Journey” in Mid Afternoon Sun !! :)))
Though we were in the direction of that particular theatre, he turned to a place nearby on the main road…it was a tiny but sleek joint for snacks, called Fast Track. He said stopping there, ‘lets have Coffee here first’….
I liked that place and It was generally full of medicos and other college students. It had high tables, with self service and many a time we wouldn’t get chairs either. Fine place to bring a girlfriend :)))…I laughed to myself and was comfortable. He brought the coffees….we sipped at them but I couldn’t see any bag or envelope…had he forgotten the card, I pondered….
A little while later when I couldn’t wait any longer, I asked him, ‘where’s my card?!’….he opened the first two buttons of his shirt….yes…..and I was all red cheeked with embarrassment…what’s this now ?!....he brought out the card….it was a medium sized beautiful Hallmark Card….seeing my expressions, he told me, that was how they used to keep their case sheets too, couldn’t keep a bag everytime, could they ?! :))))
….i luved the innocence.
Well, I opened it, it was the cutest card ever. The cover showing a sweet li’l boy standing in rain alone, a very red rose in his hands, hat, coat, tie and all….and on the inside, going away with a pretty girlfriend in a very frilly frock….the rose in her hand now, under one Umbrella. Aww…I loved it.
I said, giving it to him, ‘write something !!’
He scribbled something in both sides and gave it back….
The front read, ‘you will get whatever you want in your life….
And on the inside was written, ‘but it will be of my choice !!’
……I didn’t understand the head or tail of it then but kept it securely in my Bag….my Prized Possession….. :)
[later i was explained that, He would help me wish high in life and then fulfil it all for me.... :)]
Later we took the tickets and sat inside the theatre…..the movie started, and we were chatting…he told about himself and I talked about – I don’t know what….:))…and the movie…well I never knew the story of Vijeta then, nor do I know it now :)))…..slowly the conversation drifted towards the inevitable topic of why couldn’t we be together when we vibed so well…I started in details the problems that I had, of Caste, of my family where even uttering the word that I was deciding about my Marriage, was a Crime, a mark of being what I preferred to call a Bad Girl…even this revelation that I was sitting in a movie theatre with a boy could destroy all faith that my Parents had in me….
All the while that I talked in full about everything being Just Negative, he sat mum…listening….
when I stopped…he said….
‘Shruti, I have the solution to all your Problems !!’
I was obviously in shocked surprise…I looked towards him and asked, ‘what is it ?’
To this, he held out his hand, palm up, in front of me !!!
and continued staring at the screen…..
i kept looking at the hand….i had to make this decision now…..
....fortunately, I could…….and I Did !!
…..i slowly took my hand and placed it on his !!!!!!.......
He clasped my hand tightly, sort of, took it away and crossed his hands in front of his chest, still having mine in a tight grasp….he slid down in his chair, rested his head at the back rest of the chair….closed his eyes…and stay put……….
I on the contrary was happy…relaxed….felt free….no doubts remained….no hitches….the only thing True and Correct was this Moment… I Thanked God :)
…………..and we lived happily Ever After !!!!!....ahem :)))
To conclude, I post here the lines that I wrote to Him, on his first birthday after that fateful day………..
To My Beloved.........
Since the Time, when we started to Understand The Meaning of---'Struggle'
We've been Working Our Way Past the Triumphs and Setbacks.....
But...Gradually , the Going got Tougher...and a Time Came..
...When we could Manage no more.....
We Realised that we couldn't go-on...on our own...
Hopeless...Unable to move even a single step....Lost...
We looked up Desparately...
and...
saw Each Other !!!
You Held Out Ur Hand To Me....I placed Mine on It....
...Suddenly...
The 'Miracle' Happened...
No..No..The Troubles Hadn't Vanished...
The Road Wasn't Smoothened Either.....
Then......???
The Great Big Difference Now...was...
'YOU' and 'I' had become...
……….'We'………….
While 'You' or 'I 'couldn't accomplish........'WE' could...!!!
and Now I see...the Going is going to be still tougher.......
The Road still Narrower...
but, we r holding on tight….to Each Other !!
This Night might be the Darkest...yet,
...its only getting us closer and closer to the approaching Dawn !!!
When the first Rays of Sun Alight...we'll be sitting in the Dew covered Grass…
…..Looking into each-others Triumphant eyes....
Though weary...with a few Bruises and Cuts too...
But…..
Will Go On...As ONE......Working our Way Through.....!!!
....................................................................................amen
ok looking, more than average in height, hopefully average in brains too, ahem…good in academics, being born to Doctor parents, luckily brought up in a place in which affluence was default, my Bhilai Steel Plant !! people were and are well educated, well mannered, disciplined, courteous, etc etc and from all parts of the globe interconnected by the Steel Plant. No wonder I too was addicted to my Bhilai.
I started my medical graduation from Pt J N M Medical College Raipur, my only dream since I was a small girl, and which became an obsession after Bhaiya took admission there, and would relate stories from there ever so often.
Being from a no nonsense but loving and close-knit family, all my concentration was adapting to the world that was outside of my family of five, and searching for moments, minutes, hours that I could snatch from my routine to rush back to Bhilai. never had to stress to study, having had a greater and more serious problem of home sickness :)))….always envied the day-scholars and always felt proud when friends chided us with, “ye toh Bhilaians hai, ye toh bas jab dekho ghar bhaagte hain !!” I used to smile with pride at that !! :))))
Saturday evenings, running betahaasha on the platform to catch the crowdy smelly Local train, but the happiest when managed to get into it….we girls chatting, laughing, gossiping our way back to Bhilai…..pouncing on anything eatable in sight on the dining table, greeted by smiling mamma and papa……sitting on floor besides mum with a Parachute Coconut Oil Bottle and chatting with her non stop while she softly applied oil on the head, relieving all the Headache stat.
Bright and beautiful Sunday mornings, with the Samosa Jalebi from Utkal Sweet Home, that later became Utkal Mishthan Bhandar as a ritual since ages.
Monday early, very Early Mornings were the Worst when we returned to Raipur with a heavy heart, many a time getting late and crossing the Goods-train from below….how daring could we be……..
Well, thus MBBS flew past fast and I actually became what I aspired to be all my life…a Doctor !! my White Coat, My Stethoscope…..officially entitled to use them. I remember vividly…the last day of MBBS Final, I rushed to the STD PCO…[life was without cell fones back then :) ]…I was dressed in a designer and ‘costly’ suit, had made French plaits of my hair….Danglers in my ear-lobes….my smile, the fullest and liveliest…wore high, no very high heels, reducing my pace to tiny baby steps yet happy with it, bouncing away…
I called Papa in his Hospital…..his voice answered from the other end,
“hello, Gudmorning, Dr Mishra here…”….
I said, hardly able to suppress a chuckle,
“Ham bhi Dr Mishra bol rahe hain !!!” :)……….
And then…we both laughed in delight for quite sometime…….he remembers that conversation fondly ever so often….:)
Khair, thus started my Internship….monthly and fortnightly slots in various departments as a Doctor, and basked on the feeling of Practically learning from ABC what being a medical professional was all about….
Every department had a hierarchy from Professors and HOD to Asst Professors, to Lecturers to three steps of Residents, doing PGs, viz the Senior Resident, Junior Resident and the Poor Poor House-man, having just joined and working more than the Physical and Mental extremes of his/her capacity….
I remind the reader, how all the previous years in college had gone being juggled between Frnds, Studies and Learning to Live outside the secure world of Bhilai…..
Here the atmosphere was relaxed only for the Clan of Interns who were actually on their own and free to learn as much as they could, plus with the Pre PG exams on head, no one wanted to trouble them too much.….
We were three close very close inseparable friends, their names starting from ‘P’, ‘R’ and Mine ‘S’and batchwise, we had postings in different departments. P had her posting in Surgery in May, R in Gynaec, and me in Paeds…..every day, we used to meet up after the first half and relate the goings on of our depts with each other.
During internship, we had the most interaction with the residents of the depts, more so with the House-officers, who were allowed to delegate some of their astronomical work load to the Interns.
So every other day, we used to visit each other’s depts too. In our conversations, we used to discuss the professors and residents too, helping to prepare the others for their subsequent postings in these depts. Generally the house-men used to be seen running about, involved in all kinds of chores.
There were a couple of medical shops near the med college, with std-pcos and thus were the frequent haunts for the medical students. One fine morning, we girls were sitting there waiting for our turn at the phone, when we saw one of the Surgery house men come for Paracetamol tab. P later told us, [she was posted in Surg then] that his name was Shravan, and he was doing continuous duties despite running high grade fever. And this morning too, we realized, he had come there only to get that Paracetamol to help him continue his duties.
While he was returning to the college, I saw something which instantly caught my attention and set him apart for me. The scooter that he kicked start and zoomed away on, was an old, very old model of Vespa, and the back seat which was actually detached from the body of the scooter, was tied by a plastic IV fluid tubing, securing it to the scooter !! :)
He went away, but I sat pondering…..i was told previously that his father was a Surgeon at some place near Bhopal. Well well, what I was seeing was a complete contrast to what I had heard. A boy these days even before entering his teens is hell bent on procuring a bike, what to say about a boy, who is doing PG…..most boys would never agree to be seen in an old tattered scooter. But this one person didn’t mind that at all !!
Another thought brought a smile on my face…..the back seat unrepaired and secured by a plastic tubing ?!!....of course he doesn’t seem to be having a steady girlfriend either !!...ahem :)))))
Time passed, internship continued….this incident too blurred a bit. After 2 months R got posted there, so our visits to surg dept continued. Only, now I did seem to take notice of this boy’s doings….nothing more though, because of many reasons…
-my strict family
-it was predecided that I would not be married out of caste
-my Bro and Papa were the Best made Men by God, others were all lesser mortals !!:))) and they were also the final authority for any thing regarding my marriage.
-I had decided not to marry out of Bhilai-Raipur…staying away was un-fathomable…
- He used to smoke, and that according to me was an outright No in my Mr Right more so Me being an asthmatic.
[ when asked why he smoked, he had answered that when I meet the girl who asks me to quit, I will…. Fine sir, good pretext !! :)))]
Hence thinking about anyone in any way wasn’t thinkable, and Shravan was no exception.
After R’s posting of two months, started my posting in his dept, and to my surprise, in his Unit too. We were asked to do whatever work was entrusted to us by our house men, which here was Shravan and his colleague. I was at ease from day one because in the last four months, I had been getting a gud rapport of him from my friends that he was a well mannered workaholic easy to get along with.
As days went by, I started liking him more each day for his sincerity and honesty as well though we girls used to have fun counting the number of girls around who were ‘after’ him, and to state the truth we did calculate Fifteen to our knowledge who were supposed to be eyeing him !! :)))….
This was all the more reason to take him as a good person and some what a friend in those days, Friend I say for the simple reason that I used to feel very comfortable interacting with him and being in his presence livened up the moods of all. He was so to say the only Male, that I interacted with so much who was Not Family…..strange but true, the college years had passed without any consequence. My not participating in the Celebs, picnics etc was one more reason for this.
As the first month neared its end I can say I had made a good friend in him, and even started telling him about-The fifteen. We enjoyed teasing him so much, more so because the moment you named a girl, he would blush, yet outwardly show all the macho no nonsense attitude, and we girls had our share of the fun.
Days passed…..and it was about a week left for my surgery posting to end. It was a common practice for the senior residents to take their junior residents and interns for coffee or snacks in the Indian Coffee House of our Hosp. I never had been alone with him till now, always with his or my colleagues, but it was on the 24th of October, as luck would have it, R and P both were absent. Our work was nearly done for the day, I was ready to leave, when he casually said, ‘I feel like having a cup of coffee’…..before I could even think, chatter box that I am, words came out spontaneously…. ‘ok lets go to the ICH’. i had expected an instant ‘lets go’ but contrary to that, he said with a grave expression…. ‘I am not in a mood to have coffee in the ICH !! Even then I didn’t suspect anything, I said ‘ok, then where do you want?’ I said on the way out…
To this he stopped short, as if confirming in is mind his words before letting them out,
‘somewhere outside the hospital, maybe Vega ?!!’[it was a restaurant near abouts]…………..
Uh oh !! What was this ?! I heard the danger bells ringing in my head, but in face of the last few months, I convinced myself it was a casual statement. My head was working fast, I didn’t want to give awkward expressions, lest he thinks I am being suspicious, I respected him too much to let that happen. Yet I was scared both my friends being absent, for the simple reason that I hadn’t gone out anywhere with anyone before, and calling it a some kind of Date seemed rude to me. Besides, though it may have been unthinkable for me, it was a common practice among colleagues, so maybe he was talking very very casually.
Anyways whatever the consequences, I didn’t want to say No, now, so I said,
‘alright, you reach there, I’ll join you’. We agreed upon that and dispersed.
It was 2.30 pm, hardly time suitable for coffee !! :))) he had asked me to be there by 3 pm. I reached my hostel room, and summoned all my mental forces to analyse the situation. How I missed R then. Well after a deep breath I got up, washed my face and in the same office attire that I was in, hanging the same big bag on my shoulders, I started towards Vega, which was very near the College. I was in my Luna super. When I reached there and locked it, I felt for a moment to restart it and run away, but was too proud and stubborn to do so, hence again took a deep breath and started inside.
I entered the restaurant from the Other door, not the proper Entrance, because it was nearer the stand. I saw him sitting with his back to me, a half filled glass of cold-drink on the table and an ash-tray with a few stubs in it, one between his fingers, that he was smoking.
As if I hadn’t seen this, I crossed him, went on to sit in front, he stood up in chivalry till I sat down. I felt superbly uncomfortable and to ease the atmosphere, started blabbering all kinds of non sense, simply to make some conversation and diminish the awkwardness therein. The only fact rampant was that things wont be the same any longer for me.
He was quieter, and after a few minutes, suddenly threw this question at me,
“Do you know why I asked you here ?!”
Oh-my-God !! no, I didn’t want to answer this, nor did I want to hear what the answer was. No, I couldn’t take any more…..
I just gave a questioning look bravely hoping not to give away how weak and vulnerable I was feeling on the inside….
He went on……
“I brought you here to Propose to You !!!!!!!!!”
I remember clearly the look on his face then.
The only words that came out as a reflex response or defence maybe, were, ‘what kind of non sense is this?’
…….and then I was…..mum…..
Cant express in words what I was feeling then, Shock, denial, fear, dread all together…..i was numb !! here was the person I had got to like so much, sitting in front of me, giving Me the honour of asking to share his life with, and here I was with a very strange kind of feeling gripping my very being…….
My tiny little Heart which had lain in a corner, unattended to till then, had opened its big bright eyes to this Welcome Warmth, alien to it……and started Beating…..Beating Hard and Loud, I feared He might even hear the thumping !! :)))…..it wanted to shout, scream….it wanted to dance and say Yes, I want to be Yours……
I strangulated it stat and To save myself from further damage, I speedily explained that what he was asking, was Totally, Utterly, Completely Impossible !!....for all the reasons that I had.
….the Heart was slain by the Head !!
………and then I shut up….
Our roles suddenly got reversed….he started talking…talking non stop…..i sat there with sealed lips….looking down at the table, crushing the Paneer Pakodas kept in the plate with a fork….not able to think…..Brain-Block !!
He said ‘Never mind Shruti, I Love you, that’s not my fault…and if You cannot love me, that’s not your fault either…
if you can consider spending your life with me, then let the story begin with a Cold Coffee…[I had told him once that I luved cold-coffee]
If not, still lets have a cup of Hot coffee !!…..’
He went on to explain very seriously with plain words, how he saw me at the med store and after our hellos, had asked as to who I was…..and gradually started liking me, and liking me more and more, so as to decide that I was the One for him…..in fact for my two months posting the senior resident had deliberately placed me in his unit [so it wasn’t a co incidence after all :) ]…..how he searched for chances to talk to me, meet me….later the Matron even told me that the day I hadn’t gone, he was moving about his work sadly asking her again and again whether I had turned up……how before coming here, he had told his friends that he was about to propose to me today, and they had warned him, that “her father is a Boxer and she is Rohit sir’s sister’….but he hadn’t paid any heed to that ….and then he threw the Brahmastra too….asked the waiter purposely to get a packet of Marlboro cigarettes….. making me feel worse….
Meanwhile, all the pakodas were in shreds, and he pushed the remaining plate towards me saying, ‘inko bhi nipta do [crush these too]…’ :)))
This made me smile and relax a bit, and I looked up, realizing the pain in my wrist and neck due to staying in one position for so long resting my head in my hand…
When i came, I had seen a part of an Airlines Envelope jutting out of his shirt pocket, and had casually asked what that was, when I had just sat, to which he hadn’t given any answer then.
Now he took out that envelope….saying,
‘you were asking about this ?!...here it is, I had written this for you…..
It was a small sweet poem, addressed to me…………………
[ I still have it with me :) ]
after I read it, he took it away and replaced it in his pocket….
I nearly died…..
He ordered two Hot Coffees, before we dispersed….. !! :(((
I speeded towards the hostel, and closed myself in my empty room……I Cried…..I Cried Big Time……
What if I had listened to my heart and said Yes ?....would I become a Bad Girl then ?
Why was I feeling guilty, as if I had committed a crime ?....
and that feeling was both ways,
For one, I felt I was betraying Papa and Bhaiya......
On the other, I felt I had wronged Shravan without any fault of his…..
Ohh…I thought my head would burst…..
I calmed down after a while. Having said No, had done at least my consciousness some good, and I promised myself I’d survive. At least I could face Papa with my head held high.
The next day going towards the hospital and the dept was seemingly the most difficult task. I walked very very slowly…reached there, tried to do my work away from wherever shravan could be found and ran away very early…towards medicine dept, where I expected to find R so that I could vent my thoughts.
As I was walking in the long corridor, I heard my name called from behind, clear….loud….correct pronunciation….Masculine voice...above the usual din of people…. “Shruti !!!”…
I turned……my heart gave an enormous leap…..it was him, standing at the far end of the corridor….i waited for any signs….but he just stood there looking straight at me…..i inferred I had no choice than to go to him…..
when I was a few steps short, he started speaking and walking simultaneously…
‘have you done the Burn Dressing of Bed no-xyz ?!’he asked...
….as I moved my head in negative, he said, ‘go and do it’….and moved away in some other direction.
I started towards the ward with a sigh of relief that he wouldn’t be there, while I am at it……I decided to get it over with and go away asap. That dressing used to take not less than 45 min. and to my chagrin, I saw him entering the ward when I was just few min through…..he sat at the table completing some paper work as I clumsily went on with my work.
I was a bit disappointed too…he seemed to be as normal as can be, and here I was feeling miserable as ever….but I got to know all this was a pretence….i heard the Head sister muttering, ‘whatever has happened to him today ?! he is mixing things up. .e.g. instead of Radha Bai, he had written Sadha bai in the sheet of the pt….after dressings, he left the Tap of the dressing room full on, wasn’t answering properly…..etc etc… :)
Well I did my work and ran away as fast as I could. Being in the same ward with him moving around, was too much for me to handle….how would the whole week pass, I hadn’t any idea….
That day I ran back to Bhilai, next day was Saturday, so I would go to the dept on Monday…that’ll take care of two more days….any how, seeing him functioning normally had lessened my guilt towards him a lot, now it was only me myself to tackle and I’d do that…..
Both the days were hell….being in Bhilai and at home too didn’t help…..and as I had already said No, I didn’t feel it relevant to trouble Mamma with my story….but keeping such huge emotional upheaval to myself was becoming nearly impossible. Previously I ahd thought I’d not go to Raipur this whole week but I didn’t want to take any favors for my attendance. Moreover, I was afraid I’d not be able to conceal everything and give myself away had I stayed at home longer. So with a heavy heart full of dread I returned back to Raipur by the Mon morning Local…
That day luckily my batchmates along with R came to the ward, sat and chatted till I finished my work and then we all went back together….so another day taken care of….siigh, still so many more to go…
what a misery…
my Head wanted the week to fly past in a second,
while my Heart felt sadder with each passing day at the thought of no further association ever….
On Wednesday, we had few girls of my batch there and he was about to teach them how to tap blood from the femoral vein….as I joined, he casually asked me too, ‘did u learn Femoral Tap ?!’
…again I turned my neck in negative. He asked me to join and taught us the process.
Later I went on with my usual assigned work.
He came towards me when I was nearly done….stood there till I finished.
Then said ‘so, did u learn Femoral Tap today ?!’ as an obvious answer I said 'Yes', not looking at him…..he said, ‘then this calls for a Treat, isn’t it ?!’
[it was a culture in Med Coll whenver a junior accomplished some feat, he’d treat the colleagues, though again the bills would be paid by the Seniors only. ]
I smiled…we went to the ICH and had coffee….just then a Medical Rep came to detail his products there….they both talked like friends and he left a packet of cards on the ICH table….saying they were Seasons Greetings Cards that we could use….
as he went away, Shravan caught hold of a Card, opened it….wrote at the top left corner-“Dear Shravan,”…….and then wrote, “Yours,” at the right lower corner….then placed both the card and Pen towards me….
said, “Sign it !!!!”……….
…. It would become,
Dear Shravan,
………..Yours,
……………..Shruti !!! :)
I smiled again at his innocent smartness…..
I took it, wrote between the two words, “you haven’t lost a friend’ !! :)
Thus it became….….
Dear Shravan,
You haven’t lost a Friend !!
Yours
Shruti….. :)
He smiled back and kept that one in his pocket…..we said our gud byes
The next day was 31st , The Last Day in Surgery !!!!!!!......
It would otherwise be easier to pass that being the OT day for the Unit, but I was supposed to take signatures on the attendance diary from the House…. it was late when I finally got him….he signed it and I turned to leave after a brief thanx….
he said, ‘I had got a Card for you…..its of no use to me now.’
I said, ‘That’s mine and I think I should have it.’
He said, ‘It isn’t with me at the moment…of course, I do not roam about with it in my pocket.’
I smiled, ‘When can I collect it ?!’
Again it came, ‘Not here…’
Ok. Alright, I get the idea….
i said ‘Then how?!’
He said ‘ lets go for a Movie, I’ll give it there !!!’
Oh dear, why does he have to make things more and more difficult, how could this be possible ever…how could I even think of going to the movies alone with him….i stood there, looking down….i knew he understood this…..
so, after a while, when I didn’t respond, he said
‘ok never mind, I’ll bring it and give it to you when I have’
But by then I had made my decision, I said, ‘ok, where should I come ?!’
He said, ‘No…I’ll come to pick you up….you be ready….’
I was shocked at his Confidence…he was dead serious and authoritative.
This was just impossible…I could not be seen in the roads of Raipur, which was full of acquaintances, friends and it was very unlikely that Bhaiya wouldn’t know of this, and….to top it all, he too knew this fact…..
I had to decide fast…..and I did. Whatever happens, I would do this…...after all this was the last day that I was actually talking to him…from then on, I’d Never Ever have anything to do with him. Moreover these past few days were hell anyways.
So ‘I said, ok, I’ll wait…..’
In the room, I stood in front of Bhagwanji and Prayed…..
“Please God, Help me….take over from here for today…make the right things happen…make my decisions for me…. !!”
Just then I heard a call from the Bai below, that I had a fone call….i rushed down to receive the call. It was him….
there was a ruffling sound….
he said ‘Can you hear this ?’
I said, ‘Whats that?’
He said, I have today’s news paper in my hand and am looking over the movies screened today….
i said whatever you decide will be ok with me….
he told me the only See-able movie around was Vijeta being screened at a theatre in the main Market of Raipur. I said ok….he hung the fone saying,
‘I’ll be there in 10 min !!’
10 min??.....the show would start at 3 and it was only around 1.30 ?? I guessed he might not have seen the watch correctly….alright…it happens.
But true to his word he actually was at the Hostel gates in less than 10 min…..
i was called….
It was a walk of some metres before we could come out of the campus, and I saw him. I walked awkwardly towards him fearing every moment I would faint and fall, but finally reached there.
It was the self same scooter, his tattered Vespa !!
I couldn’t help but smile, when I saw the back seat nicely secured to the scooter….
He started it and I sat…..oh no….i never felt this nervous ever. I tried to hold tightly the driver’s seat….couldn’t risk trusting the back seat you see :))))…..and he vroomed…..
I thought the whole world was staring at me, and everyone that we crossed I pictured him running to Bhaiya to complain….
Near the main market, it broke down !! :)))….i got down, he tilted it, checked the spark plug, and restarted…it took a lot many kicks to restart…..i was all sympathies :)
….i smiled again as I remembered Archie and his Car !! :)
…..alright, it was too early, so missing the movie wasn’t a problem at all. Thankfully it started and we resumed our “Journey” in Mid Afternoon Sun !! :)))
Though we were in the direction of that particular theatre, he turned to a place nearby on the main road…it was a tiny but sleek joint for snacks, called Fast Track. He said stopping there, ‘lets have Coffee here first’….
I liked that place and It was generally full of medicos and other college students. It had high tables, with self service and many a time we wouldn’t get chairs either. Fine place to bring a girlfriend :)))…I laughed to myself and was comfortable. He brought the coffees….we sipped at them but I couldn’t see any bag or envelope…had he forgotten the card, I pondered….
A little while later when I couldn’t wait any longer, I asked him, ‘where’s my card?!’….he opened the first two buttons of his shirt….yes…..and I was all red cheeked with embarrassment…what’s this now ?!....he brought out the card….it was a medium sized beautiful Hallmark Card….seeing my expressions, he told me, that was how they used to keep their case sheets too, couldn’t keep a bag everytime, could they ?! :))))
….i luved the innocence.
Well, I opened it, it was the cutest card ever. The cover showing a sweet li’l boy standing in rain alone, a very red rose in his hands, hat, coat, tie and all….and on the inside, going away with a pretty girlfriend in a very frilly frock….the rose in her hand now, under one Umbrella. Aww…I loved it.
I said, giving it to him, ‘write something !!’
He scribbled something in both sides and gave it back….
The front read, ‘you will get whatever you want in your life….
And on the inside was written, ‘but it will be of my choice !!’
……I didn’t understand the head or tail of it then but kept it securely in my Bag….my Prized Possession….. :)
[later i was explained that, He would help me wish high in life and then fulfil it all for me.... :)]
Later we took the tickets and sat inside the theatre…..the movie started, and we were chatting…he told about himself and I talked about – I don’t know what….:))…and the movie…well I never knew the story of Vijeta then, nor do I know it now :)))…..slowly the conversation drifted towards the inevitable topic of why couldn’t we be together when we vibed so well…I started in details the problems that I had, of Caste, of my family where even uttering the word that I was deciding about my Marriage, was a Crime, a mark of being what I preferred to call a Bad Girl…even this revelation that I was sitting in a movie theatre with a boy could destroy all faith that my Parents had in me….
All the while that I talked in full about everything being Just Negative, he sat mum…listening….
when I stopped…he said….
‘Shruti, I have the solution to all your Problems !!’
I was obviously in shocked surprise…I looked towards him and asked, ‘what is it ?’
To this, he held out his hand, palm up, in front of me !!!
and continued staring at the screen…..
i kept looking at the hand….i had to make this decision now…..
....fortunately, I could…….and I Did !!
…..i slowly took my hand and placed it on his !!!!!!.......
He clasped my hand tightly, sort of, took it away and crossed his hands in front of his chest, still having mine in a tight grasp….he slid down in his chair, rested his head at the back rest of the chair….closed his eyes…and stay put……….
I on the contrary was happy…relaxed….felt free….no doubts remained….no hitches….the only thing True and Correct was this Moment… I Thanked God :)
…………..and we lived happily Ever After !!!!!....ahem :)))
To conclude, I post here the lines that I wrote to Him, on his first birthday after that fateful day………..
To My Beloved.........
Since the Time, when we started to Understand The Meaning of---'Struggle'
We've been Working Our Way Past the Triumphs and Setbacks.....
But...Gradually , the Going got Tougher...and a Time Came..
...When we could Manage no more.....
We Realised that we couldn't go-on...on our own...
Hopeless...Unable to move even a single step....Lost...
We looked up Desparately...
and...
saw Each Other !!!
You Held Out Ur Hand To Me....I placed Mine on It....
...Suddenly...
The 'Miracle' Happened...
No..No..The Troubles Hadn't Vanished...
The Road Wasn't Smoothened Either.....
Then......???
The Great Big Difference Now...was...
'YOU' and 'I' had become...
……….'We'………….
While 'You' or 'I 'couldn't accomplish........'WE' could...!!!
and Now I see...the Going is going to be still tougher.......
The Road still Narrower...
but, we r holding on tight….to Each Other !!
This Night might be the Darkest...yet,
...its only getting us closer and closer to the approaching Dawn !!!
When the first Rays of Sun Alight...we'll be sitting in the Dew covered Grass…
…..Looking into each-others Triumphant eyes....
Though weary...with a few Bruises and Cuts too...
But…..
Will Go On...As ONE......Working our Way Through.....!!!
....................................................................................amen
In The ICH.........the picture clicked by our esteemed senior, who told me then how he managed to get me in Unit 2....:)
Reciting the Poem, "To my Beloved" to him on his Birthday next year......the first after The Yes :)
Cutting the Cake.....the Lady in Blue is my Mom, seen with her sweet smile.... :)
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